(Nursing) School of Rock

I am pretty sure I am having an extensional breakdown of sorts. I am officially half way through my third semester of a bachelor program at SPEUSON (Selective Pretentious Expensive University School of Nursing-you know the one). The thought of being “done” and graduating in less time then it takes to complete the full gestational period of intrauterine life should thrill me. So...why am I anything less than thrilled?

I am still trying answer the question from my nursing school entrance application, “Why do you want to be a nurse?” and now faculty is telling me to start preparing for job interviews by January. Ensue panic attack.

Every time I pull on my knee-high compression stockings, slip on my 50 lb Danskos, and wrap my bright pink Littmann Classic II around my neck, I think ,“What the hell are you doing, Kelly?” to which I reply, “Not sure, let me get back to you.” I don't think that answer would really fly in an interview. Truthfully, I am an antisocial extrovert with an identity crisis, high gross-out factor, that enjoys autonomy with authority, and can remain somewhat emotionally detached in the presence of human suffering, so I thought nursing would be that "perfect fit.". But try getting all that to fit on the limited little spaces they give you to write on a job application.

Most days I feel more like my educational experience has been more of a process of elimination than one of growth and enlightenment. For example I now know that I will NEVER purposefully find myself in

1. OR
2. OB
3. Psych
4. Peds

Great! Except the only rotations I have left are Med-Surg and Public Health. What if those placements turn out to be just as disappointing as all the others. One thing that has become blatantly clear is that I will not be happy working on a general floor. My ADD gets the best of me.

My current Peds clinical faculty pulled me aside yesterday and politely told me that I was “insecure.” I am not being facetious when I say that remains the nicest thing a clinical faculty has said to me. She remarked on the incongruency of the “clinical” me and the “academic” me. Not that there was anything wrong with my clinical skills or anything. Just that academically on paper, I’m kinda a rockstar, but in person around patients, I’m more like a member of the road crew. My words here, not hers.

That’s high praise since I have been told by other clinical instructors that I need to work on “connecting more with my patients”, “being in the moment”, and being "less distracted”. The other day I was at an ambulatory site with a clinical instructor I had not yet met who said to me, “Wow, you have 2 kids and are a full time student?! Do you have a husband?!”. To which I answered yes, and explained that he is also a full time students with 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs. Her response, “You must REALLY! struggle.” Me: “Not academically, I’m just a really crappy mom,” (Mentally bludgeoning instructor to death with her clipboard).

Holding the hand that holds me down

So apparently, my emotional and erratic behavior is exhausting to some. Okay. So, help me out, because I am obviously lacking some the basic fundamentals regarding social behavior.

Where do you draw the line between showing discretion and being "fake". Is it wrong that they are the same to me? Saying anything other than what you are really thinking or feeling, in my opinion is a lie. So by being "discrete" you mean lying to avoid confrontation or appeasing me somehow makes you honorable? I don't get it. I realize that timing is important, and sometimes you avoid making comments until the appropriate setting. But what I might consider chronically avoiding a problematic situation, others more mature call it "picking your battles".

Just say what you are thinking. I do.

Thoughts on Healthcare

The other day I found myself caught up in a debate regarding the new healthcare reform bill that quickly turned into a personal and religious argument.

Here is my response to a person who basically asked me how I can call myself a Christian being that I am a Democrat who supports this bill due to the abortion issues. Forget the fact that I am in nursing school with plans to pursue an advanced degree. Or the fact that I spend almost 20 hours a week in hospitals in East Baltimore --if you have never been to East Baltimore, I invite you to take a look at the almost 3rd world conditions that people live in--Or the fact that I volunteer weekly at a hospice (that's caring for terminal patients who in my opinion are dying due to lack of access) in East Baltimore, or the fact my elective classes include courses like Community Outreach and Faith and Healing. What do I know, right?

My response:

God's commandment is "thou shall not KILL" It makes no discrimination between killing unborn babies or Muslims. Why is abortion wrong but war is not? That's what I don't understand.

I am extremely upset and have been for years that my money as a tax payer is going to support a war I strongly morally oppose. As a result, I am considered by most Republicans as "un-American and unpatriotic". I am told this war is for the "greater good". It's the price to pay for democracy.

And then the same group of people want to throw me in front of a firing squad and question my salvation because I recognize the disparities in health care on a daily basis and support this Bill. The number of people that die in the US due to the lack of access and inadequate care far outweighs any potential rape/incest babies that would be aborted. The US has the highest infant mortality rate in the industrialized world! So why is the bill to start correcting that not for the "greater good"? Because this time it's not Muslim babies? Most importantly, Medicaid has been paying for abortions in the case of incest/rape and life of mother since 1965. That's not new to this bill.

I am not for abortion. I just don't appreciate the double standard. This is not directed specifically at you, but just in general. I have a lot of bitterness I guess. It seems like this was "church" mentality I was subjected to growing up. The picking and choosing of what acceptable and what's "sin". Smurfs are bad because they do magic. Fairy Godmother is okay because, well she is Disney. Could not play with unicorn My Little Pony because unicorns are not in the bible. But, lets hang stockings for Santa and his flying reindeer? Those are lame examples, but they represent the same mentality that uses the bible to condemn one group, but justify same actions of another.


I can respect your position and I think it's great to see people stand up for what they believe in. All I ask is please do not suggest that I am any less of a Christian than you just because I have a different opinion. And don't assume that because I voted for Obama that I hate the Old Testament as well as America and would like to see all pregnancies ended in partial birth abortions at the tax payers expense.